Thanks again to Everett at Team Camaro...

Cafeteria Sign
Sign in a cafeteria: "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria."
(Then, in pencil beneath the sign): "Socks can eat anyplace they want."

  • What musical instrument is found in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste.
  • I always cry at weddings, especially my own.
  • People who say their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had two Kit Kats fall out of a vending machine.
  • A hardware store has a sign reading: "Today's special." (Then, below it, in pencil): "So's tomorrow.
  • Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda?
    - He was lucky it was a soft drink.
  • Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
  • Taking my husband's last name doesn't mean I'm not a feminist.
    - It means I don't want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again.
  • What do you call a cow with no legs? -Ground beef.
  • My diet always starts on a Monday morning and ends at the donuts somebody brings into the office later this morning.
  • Anyone who wanted to sell fish had to get permission from Grandpa.
    -He was known as the cod father.
  • The only knowledge that can hurt you is the knowledge you don't have.
  • I changed my password to "incorrect". ... So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect".
  • The trouble with learning from experience is you never graduate.
  • I know milk does a body good, but damn girl, how much have you been drinking?
  • A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns 'individuality' is the key to success.
  • One good thing about graduation is you get to wear a funny hat making your brain look larger than it actually is.
  • I'd advise you graduates to keep your graduation gown. It's the only outfit you might not outgrow.
  • How do you make a blonde's eyes light up? Shine a flashlight in their ear.
  • Why did the blonde stare at a frozen orange juice can for 2 hours? - Because it said "concentrate"!
  • A blonde said, "I was worried my mechanic might try to rip me off, I was relieved when he told me all I needed was Turn-Signal Fluid."
  • You can't get on the same page with someone who has a different book.
  • When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.
  • My speech today will be like a mini-skirt. - Long enough to cover the essentials but short enough to hold your attention!
  • Feeling pretty proud of myself. The Sesame Street puzzle I bought said 3-5 years, but I finished it in 18 months.
  • A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
  • Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
  • You can make a water-bed more bouncy by using spring water.
  • Never marry a woman who was captain of the debate team.