An old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself gently, painfully, up onto a stool… After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, ‘Crushed nuts?’
‘No,’ he replied, ‘Arthritis.’
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman on the phone to her friend: “I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor’s permission to join a fitness club and start exercising…
---
So I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.”
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The good thing about having a bad memory is jokes can be funny more than once.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You know you’re getting old when the rocking chair feels like a roller coaster.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Knock, Knock.
Who’s there?
A little old lady.
A little old lady who?
I had no idea you could yodel.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Older people shouldn’t eat healthy food. They need all the preservatives they can get.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What is grandpa’s bedtime?
One hour after falling asleep on his rocking chair.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife was worried about getting older, so before she woke up on her birthday, I cut off all the white hairs she had. For some reason, she woke up bald and with a bad attitude.-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One good thing about getting older and having a shorter memory:
I can hide my own Easter Eggs.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why can’t you take pictures of old men with walking sticks?
You take pictures with cameras, not walking sticks!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What do you get when you freeze dentures?
Frostbite.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What are the three signs of old age?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why did grandma put wheels on her rocking chair? So she could rock n roll.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How did grandma get grandpa to stop biting his nails? She hid his dentures.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What did the old man say before he kicked the bucket?
“How far do you think I can kick the bucket?”
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An old couple was sitting in Church and the wife noticed people were staring at her.
She leaned across to her husband and whispered, “I’ve just let go a silent fart. What do you think I should do?”
He said, “I think you should get fresh batteries for your hearing aid.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How are stars like false teeth?
They both come out at night.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere.”
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You know you are old when you’re told to slow down by your doctor and not the police.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You know you are old when the oxygen masks drop from the ceiling when your birthday candles are lit.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Do you want to know the secret to getting a smoking hot body at your age?
Cremation.
‘No,’ he replied, ‘Arthritis.’
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman on the phone to her friend: “I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor’s permission to join a fitness club and start exercising…
---
So I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.”
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The good thing about having a bad memory is jokes can be funny more than once.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You know you’re getting old when the rocking chair feels like a roller coaster.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Knock, Knock.
Who’s there?
A little old lady.
A little old lady who?
I had no idea you could yodel.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Older people shouldn’t eat healthy food. They need all the preservatives they can get.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What is grandpa’s bedtime?
One hour after falling asleep on his rocking chair.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife was worried about getting older, so before she woke up on her birthday, I cut off all the white hairs she had. For some reason, she woke up bald and with a bad attitude.-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One good thing about getting older and having a shorter memory:
I can hide my own Easter Eggs.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why can’t you take pictures of old men with walking sticks?
You take pictures with cameras, not walking sticks!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What do you get when you freeze dentures?
Frostbite.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What are the three signs of old age?
- Being forgetful.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why did grandma put wheels on her rocking chair? So she could rock n roll.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How did grandma get grandpa to stop biting his nails? She hid his dentures.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What did the old man say before he kicked the bucket?
“How far do you think I can kick the bucket?”
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An old couple was sitting in Church and the wife noticed people were staring at her.
She leaned across to her husband and whispered, “I’ve just let go a silent fart. What do you think I should do?”
He said, “I think you should get fresh batteries for your hearing aid.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How are stars like false teeth?
They both come out at night.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere.”
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You know you are old when you’re told to slow down by your doctor and not the police.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You know you are old when the oxygen masks drop from the ceiling when your birthday candles are lit.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Do you want to know the secret to getting a smoking hot body at your age?
Cremation.
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